I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
