Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
