my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
