You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize