You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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