haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
