I think im going to throw up on grandma
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
