Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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