Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
