His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
