Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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