Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
