maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my being single is dangerous.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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