I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
