What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
