Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
