I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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