If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
