Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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