it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
