Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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