im six kinds of drunk right now
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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