Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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