I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
