Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
