at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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