please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize