Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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