Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
