i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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