why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
