How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
