Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
