Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize