He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
