I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my being single is dangerous.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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