I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
