Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Randomize
