Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
