Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
