you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
