One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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