I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
