i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
