What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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