After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
