Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
