im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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