I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
