Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Someone shattered a urinal.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
