I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
