Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
