saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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