He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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