I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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