in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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