OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
