i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
