I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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