he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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