you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
