It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My pussy is not your playground.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
